Updated: Apr 17
It’s not bad and neither are you…as a follow up to the article Finding Pleasure while Grieving it’s important to shed some light for those of who immerse themselves in pleasure while grieving. Who dive into pleasure as a way of forgetting, of deafening the sorrow, a way of sinking beyond the surface of sorrow. There are many ways to forget and often forgetting is found at the bottom of a whiskey glass, ice cream tub, or deep slumber,.. But some find their way to into pleasure.
“To feel...or not to feel…that is the question.”
Surprisingly the answer is both. If you rummage thru Facebook looking for that possible rendezvous to help you take it all away for a hot second, it is not bad for you and you are not an awful person for doing it. On a few conditions of course, that whatever you do, it is consensual, that no one will get hurt in the process, that expectations are understood, and you were not under some sort of influence when you decided it was happening.
What is bad about this activity is the judgement, shaming and blaming you do. You bury it, promising yourself you will never do it again and that no one must ever find out. Please know, that this reach out is something many of us want to do when we are feeling lonely, when we want to get out of the driver’s seat for a while, or for when we need to get in it. We are looking not for a replacement, but for someone to hold us, spoil us and ultimately remind us of how good it feels to feel good.
“if feeling good is bad, I don’t want to feel right”
For many, sex has been the only way we have been able to connect to our pleasure. And while self-pleasure can be a out of this world experience, it doesn’t give everyone the connectedness they desperately need (that’s another story). I think we can all agree that there is something magical about watching your partner orgasm and that deep feeling of honour and pride you take when you know that you had a ‘hand’ in it, but that you were able to witness it, well…for those of you that kept reading this – you know it’s better than a tub of ice cream.
So if you find yourself on the hunt for a lover while in the throws of grief, know that what you are seeking is truly connectedness and pleasure. The satisfaction also comes from confirming that you can feel connected on a deeper level still and that frankly, you are allowed to forget for a while. That you are worthy of delicious attention.
Seems simple? Not really…wtf does it actually mean?
We often shame ourselves when we forget how we should be feeling. Often widows get jolted after a good laugh. It’s like a slap in the face reminder that they are a bad person for forgetting to be sad.
Forgetting happens because we need it too. Our mind deprives of the things we should be when more important feelings come to the surface. For example, we forget that we “should” be sad when we are experiencing an orgasm (they can also happen at the same time – but that’s another article). When we are being ravished by a lover, we are living in the moment and doing something new and hopefully wonderful.
Be ok forgetting for a moment because we both know it’s impossible to forget forever. It’s healthy to forget, it’s healthy to remember and both things can exist at the same time. Be gentle on yourself as you have a lifetime to practice.
I think, this is were many of my clients get that little devilish look on their face. This is where we are standing at a threshold between what was and what will be. It is what I call the juicy middle. It’s the space that most of us look through to see the future without really sinking into the moment we are standing in. You have a juicy middle moment where you can confirm what you learned, what you forgot and what is important to you. What do you want to apprentice with and what do you want to explore? It is this juicy moment where you could say “I’ve always wondered about……” or “I’ve always talked about….”
Lavishing this delicious and juicy attention on yourself is not only about seeking to find alignment but also nourishes parts of you that may have been relegated to a bookshelf, a mere fantasy, or simply self pleasure material.
Taking on a lover while you are grieving can certainly nourish that juicy middle, it can help you connect deeper into your desires and can have you howling out some of that rage and frustration, but more importantly is that doing new and helpful things is a bloody good time and you deserve to feel good.
Many grievers feel lonely, angry and frustrated. They are lonely while being crowded room (RIP Robin Williams) and while it’s hard to pinpoint the exact rationale for your loneliness, perhaps it’s because there is too much of the same vibe. Too many arm rubs, sad eyes, and pandering advice. I hear it all the time “I know they mean well but god, everyone needs to just needs to back the hell off.” There is a deep need to vent it out and bathroom tears don’t always cut it. Tears vent out sorrow, sadness, regret mostly. Howling, trashing around and screaming vent out anger. So, it’s no wonder we seek sexual interactions as way of shaking out the feelings that are hard to reach inside ourselves.
We need to rumble out that deep seated and shamed rage. Sex can be a beautiful way of exorcising this holy war happening inside you. And while there are some truly transcendental ways of self-pleasuring, most of us don’t know how. This alone is a journey that takes on a whole life of it’s own. That said, some of us seek the solace of another which is all honesty – is so wonderful. To be able to forget together.
When you are lying in the afterglow and are drifting between bliss and sleep – the connection between your heart, body and mind feels real and deep. It is hard to find that special combination, anywhere else. Some say “work it out – get on the treadmill” – I say, that blowing it out is a much better option if you have it. And say this on repeat:
This pleasure came from me,
The beautiful pleasure is because of me,
I deserve to forget for a while,
I deserve to feel my pleasure.